it's been a while...

it's been a while since i've updated this blog! it's been, what, a year?
and yeah! i'm still crushing on J! it's almost been 3 years? WHEEEEE~ :3

so! how have you guys been? i suppose no one's visiting nightfall anymore, =,=
are you all busy with school? boyfriends? life?
well, yeah, i suppose that's life, it never fails to bring new shits up, people would slowly forget things from the past.
but i don't want to.
i don't want to forget the past.
i don't want to forget my past, my past was too beautiful.
damn, if god would give me a chance to go back to the past, i would relive it just like how it used to be. i wouldn't change a thing.
well, obviously, i would've tell my old self things i haven't realized 2-3 years ago.
how precious it was, how precious crushing on your senior was, how precious playing with everybody in your school was, how precious my loving teachers were.
everybody was so kind, so sweet, so trusting.

as years past, i've gotten a whole lot bitterer, you must've noticed them in my writings though ///w///

some says pain matures people.
i have lived my 13(i'm almost 14 now xD) years of life, believing, it's not like that.

Pain changes people.

they mature, yeah, but they also take people's trust, kindness, and all that.
i learned this the hard way tough :3 my teachers from madina were all so trusting.
while in putra, my teachers were so suspecting.
i felt like a prisoner, as a kid with such a sensitive heart, i didn't like to be suspected.
well then again, who likes to be suspected? hey i didn't do anything, what's your base to suspect me like this?

sorry i got carried away u,u

anyways, i really don't want kids after me to feel the same way,
just like all other great changes (:3), i decided to start with my very self.
i decided to just you know, tough up. because staying sensitive to everybody else will only hurt me.

it's only then i realized, that by toughing my self up, i just lost something precious.
i have became more like those insensitive adults i promised myself not to turn into.
the ugly thing though, my insecurity stays =,=
no, it grew even bigger! i have some people right now i dared myself to call bestfriends but still,
the insecurity sometimes attacks.
in the past year, i've had countless suicidal thoughts. not those with consideration though,
you know, just, when i stand near the balcony, i asked myself what would it feel to let myself fall, i'd mindlessly think "hmm, may be i'd bleed, yeah, i'll definitely be covered in blood. hm, blood would feel cool against my skin right?"

then i'd snap out.

but i still have thoughts like, when i was peeling fruits' skin off, or cutting veggies, i'd stare at the knife asking myself what would it feel to cut my wirst with it.

then, i asked myself; since when did i became so desperate?
kenny is a strong person! i can adapt to anything! i can live my life without much plan.
it's been pretty cool so far! why cant i continue?
tbh though, i then also realize i have such precious friends with me, such cool teachers (the others may be :/. but there are still some of the cool ones), and then, i have cassie, don't I? i have DBSK, don't I? i have SJ, don't I?

they are all great people, they are all strong people, they may all may lack something from either their life, or their personality, or their appearance, but they are all still hanging there!
we are all walking the impossible path, we've gotten laughed at, scolded, bashed, we had wars, we all have cried ourselves to sleep, we all have faced great obstacles. but all the thrill, all the pain, the laughter, the love, OUR love. those things made all the pain worth it. :)

i know i should've posted this at nooneshouldevereadthis.
but i also know that that blog has even less visitor that this one-_-
and that blog contains the pages of my life that i never wanna open anymore.

this post isn't as fluffy as my usual posts.
i'm in a very ugly mood rn.
remember i love all of you readers and how i want to give my firstborns to those who comment :3 ( but i wont though, because i really want to have kids :DDD)

ssoooooo
i guess, i'll reah you when i reach you!
chao!