it's been a while...

it's been a while since i've updated this blog! it's been, what, a year?
and yeah! i'm still crushing on J! it's almost been 3 years? WHEEEEE~ :3

so! how have you guys been? i suppose no one's visiting nightfall anymore, =,=
are you all busy with school? boyfriends? life?
well, yeah, i suppose that's life, it never fails to bring new shits up, people would slowly forget things from the past.
but i don't want to.
i don't want to forget the past.
i don't want to forget my past, my past was too beautiful.
damn, if god would give me a chance to go back to the past, i would relive it just like how it used to be. i wouldn't change a thing.
well, obviously, i would've tell my old self things i haven't realized 2-3 years ago.
how precious it was, how precious crushing on your senior was, how precious playing with everybody in your school was, how precious my loving teachers were.
everybody was so kind, so sweet, so trusting.

as years past, i've gotten a whole lot bitterer, you must've noticed them in my writings though ///w///

some says pain matures people.
i have lived my 13(i'm almost 14 now xD) years of life, believing, it's not like that.

Pain changes people.

they mature, yeah, but they also take people's trust, kindness, and all that.
i learned this the hard way tough :3 my teachers from madina were all so trusting.
while in putra, my teachers were so suspecting.
i felt like a prisoner, as a kid with such a sensitive heart, i didn't like to be suspected.
well then again, who likes to be suspected? hey i didn't do anything, what's your base to suspect me like this?

sorry i got carried away u,u

anyways, i really don't want kids after me to feel the same way,
just like all other great changes (:3), i decided to start with my very self.
i decided to just you know, tough up. because staying sensitive to everybody else will only hurt me.

it's only then i realized, that by toughing my self up, i just lost something precious.
i have became more like those insensitive adults i promised myself not to turn into.
the ugly thing though, my insecurity stays =,=
no, it grew even bigger! i have some people right now i dared myself to call bestfriends but still,
the insecurity sometimes attacks.
in the past year, i've had countless suicidal thoughts. not those with consideration though,
you know, just, when i stand near the balcony, i asked myself what would it feel to let myself fall, i'd mindlessly think "hmm, may be i'd bleed, yeah, i'll definitely be covered in blood. hm, blood would feel cool against my skin right?"

then i'd snap out.

but i still have thoughts like, when i was peeling fruits' skin off, or cutting veggies, i'd stare at the knife asking myself what would it feel to cut my wirst with it.

then, i asked myself; since when did i became so desperate?
kenny is a strong person! i can adapt to anything! i can live my life without much plan.
it's been pretty cool so far! why cant i continue?
tbh though, i then also realize i have such precious friends with me, such cool teachers (the others may be :/. but there are still some of the cool ones), and then, i have cassie, don't I? i have DBSK, don't I? i have SJ, don't I?

they are all great people, they are all strong people, they may all may lack something from either their life, or their personality, or their appearance, but they are all still hanging there!
we are all walking the impossible path, we've gotten laughed at, scolded, bashed, we had wars, we all have cried ourselves to sleep, we all have faced great obstacles. but all the thrill, all the pain, the laughter, the love, OUR love. those things made all the pain worth it. :)

i know i should've posted this at nooneshouldevereadthis.
but i also know that that blog has even less visitor that this one-_-
and that blog contains the pages of my life that i never wanna open anymore.

this post isn't as fluffy as my usual posts.
i'm in a very ugly mood rn.
remember i love all of you readers and how i want to give my firstborns to those who comment :3 ( but i wont though, because i really want to have kids :DDD)

ssoooooo
i guess, i'll reah you when i reach you!
chao!

turut berduka cita

Inalilahi wa inailaihi raji un
turut berdukacita atas meninggalnya Attar Sayid Ahmad Aththariq. adik dari Ipeh.

rasanya aneh dpt heartache untuk orang yang gue belom pernah temuin.

waktu gue baca status ipeh, gatau kenapa gue panik.
gue sadar ga mungkin ada update status dari Attar tapi gatau kenapa gue dapet urge untuk buka fb Attar,
untuk konfirmasi.

gue scroll down, gue baca wall2 terakhir di profile Attar. isinya goodbyes.

gue buka tab facebook gue lagi. gue diem. suddenly jari gue pgn bergerak.

jari gue ngetik:

"the world is filled with surprises. though some of them might be unpleasant, we need to keep moving forward. every unpleasant surprises gives you the most priceless lessons. every heartaches gives you a stronger and steadier heart. we should cherish every lesson cause the best lessons are given by your loved ones."

gatau kenapa gue ngerasa jadi orang terkotor di dunia.
kemaren gue isi dgn ketawa dan tidur.

gue ga abis pikir, kok bisa gue ketawa dan tidur while Attar, probably lagi berjuang ngelawan cancer hati.

cancer.

udah berapa juta orang yang kalah ngelawan penyakit itu?
gue googled.
gue nyesel. harusnya dari awal gue gausah google itu.
gue gatau tadi gue mikir apa. harusny gue tau,
dengan jumlahnya, gabakal does anything ke heartache gue.
malah makin sakit.

gue cape.
kayakny gue bakal butuh waktu untuk mend these pieces of my broken heart.
broken heart, yang bahkan gue gatau dari mana datengnya.

with shattered heart,
Kenny.
(salam baru, something like that. kayakny g pantes bilan jai zian di entry ini.)

Random Things Around

location: school (few hours ago)
condition: Milla Salsa Fira and I are working on our assignment. it was late.
we're worried if one of the teachers would come and scold us for staying so late at school.
Fira : eh kalo ternyata ada pak *gue belom izin make nama* gmn? ntar dimarahin loh
syp gt: iya ntar di marahin "kalian ngapain masih di kelas?? pulang sana" dll
syp gt: "udah sore pulang sana lagian knp g dari kmrn selesein tugasny pulang sana"
gue: *respond k omongan yg gue denger. refleks. g nyadar lagi konsen* yah elah, bapak.
*semua nengok*

location: Fira's
condition:working on the same assignment, few days ago.
Fira: kalo nyokap gue dtg tau kita lg dengerin lagu ntar dikirany g ngerjain tgs loh.
rame2: yaudah ntar kita pasang tampang serius aja/ dikecilin aja/ dll
Fira: ntar kalo nyokap gue dtg kita pura2 belajar ya*emg sebenerny belajar* ntar kalo d tanyain lg apa pura2 belajar.
someone: jadi kalo d blg " kalian lagi ngapainn????" jawabny--
hampir semuanya: PURA PURA BELAJAR, TANTEEEE!!!!!!!*stupid*

location: Fira's
condition: milla and I are staying at fira's. we're watching attack on the pin up boys. near the ending of the movie, there's a scene of kibum and donghae. donghae binging a shit shaped plush and put it on top of kibum's head. kibum took it off and play with it. holding it in his hands while talking to donghae.
Fira: mill, cowok lo yg mana sih?
Milla: yg megang tai cowok gue.
Kenny: ... *felt something's not right*

#for those who still doesn't understand the joke, it was supposed to be "cowok gue yg megang/mainin boneka tai." you know, in primary school there are jokes like "yg ga cepet lari pacarnya ~~~~" when you want everyone to run or else everyone will amke a joke of the loser and the ..victim, dating. milla said "yg megang tai cowok gue!!" like he want the guys to hold shits and then they'll be her namja chingu(boyfriend) or else....

location: school's health center
condition: milla and i aren't feeling so well so since there are no teacher in out class. we decided to rest in the health center. we were reading fanfics. we were talking about how onkey fanfics are weird like they say " key: i wanted a baby. onew: lets sleep." thats really funny. the thing is the weren't meant to say that they'll sleep together,, you know. but i just sounded like that.
Milla: ada yg lebih aneh lagi, kayak onew ketemu key tau2 bilang " SLEEP WITH ME NOW"(she said "sleep with me now" but somehow it sounded like "sipitmingaw" we need to keep our vioces reeeaaaalll low because there are another kids in the health center)
Kenny: huh? onew blg apa?
Milla: dia blg"sipitmingaw"(sleep with me now)
Kenny: ...siput pinggang....?
Milla: kata onew "SLEEP.WITH.ME.NOW" goblokkkk
both: *unable to keep our voices low anymore. laughing like shit.*

location: school
condition: salsa fira milla and i are talking about... boys.(what? it's unavoidable!)
Fira: gue pengen punya anak!
salsa: bikin sana sama cowok lo.
salsa: cowok fira kan ada 2. emg cowok lo ada brp mil??
Milla: 4...
Salsa: nah elo juga banyak, bikin sono.
Milla: eh kalo ditambah bokap gue jadi 6.
salsa&I: *died laughing*

#for those who doesn't get the joke.
1. salsa thought milla count his dad as two she wondered how big is milla's dad*stpd!*
2. i laughed mostly because milla mentioned her dad. after salsa told her to . . . ya know with her namja chingus.

still the same scene...

fira/salsa: kenny cowok lo berapa?
Kenny : 15... EH?? *kok tau2 gue tajir cowok.. padahal 5 detik sebelumny gue masih free..?*

---------
well that's some of the .. bizarre things going on around.

aannd

since NOBODY comented on my last entry*sobsobsobsob*

i decide it on my own.
so,


Zai Jian!

A MESSAGE FOR DBSK AND SM ENTERTAINMENT

so i opened this video about DBSK it's really sad. i was actually crying.

so i put up this comment in popseoul.com

PEOPLE PLEASE FORWARD THE QUOTE I BEG YOU

"DBSK pleaseeee don’t split up~
SM, pleeaase grant these boys wishes. you would be like an IDIOT if you just gonna let DBSK go like that.

i want to put up a quote from a Cassiopeia that i think would represent the other fans’ feeling

“its not just SOME friendship. it was built with love. DBSK please stick together we love you, Cassiopeia loves you, the other members loves you. please stand by each other’s side. cause you all know. we’ll always do. with all of our heart, we love you.we’ll always keep the faith of DBSK’s togetherness, ALIVE” – a Cassiopeia"

please forward this quote if you do really care about DBSK, about Kpop, about Music.

lets pray for dbsk's togetherness.

==

by the way, i've noticed that "peace.love.~~" is already ROTTEN!!!

so i was thinking about making a new closing message!

how about...

Annyeongi gheseo!

? or

Annyeong!

if nobody comments this post in 1 week, I'll choose on my own.

thx

annyeongigheseo~

omegle!

one of my faves
==
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: hi asl

You: ?

Stranger: male

You: sl?

Stranger: 19

Stranger: u?

You: country?

You: female 18

Stranger: I know where you come from now

You: ?

Stranger: must be China

You: haha no its not

You: i came from US

Stranger: I doubt about that

You: hahaha

Stranger: well.

Stranger: Do you believe in Bro. Chun?

You: really i mean it

You: ha?

Stranger: perhaps

Stranger: well

Stranger: you got a msn or other stuff?

You: i had a yahoomessenger but it kinda rott

You: ican't open it

Stranger: never mind

You: what country did you came from

Stranger: the one mentioned above

You: china?

Stranger: yep

You: wow i chated with 4 chinese people today!!

Stranger: and I discover that when I mention the country ,the partner always disconnect

You: so is omegle really popular in china?

You: hah? rlly?

Stranger: I really cannot figure it out .

You: oh. haha

Stranger: actually China has a huge population

You: i know

Stranger: there are lots of omegle users, though it is popular actually

You: oh

Stranger: in which state do you live?

You: ny

You: i'm a new yorker

Stranger: I see

Stranger: One of my friend lives in Connecticut

You: oh thats cool

You: so whats your name?

Stranger: yeah, and he sometimes introduce something about the US

Stranger: er... You can call me Lee

Stranger: cos my it is my family name

Stranger: and what about you?

You: i knew that lee is a family name :)

You: hahah

Stranger: great

Stranger: you know what, I have to admit that you got up so early today

You: haha

You: yeah

You: but-- really?

You: what time is it in china?

Stranger: I think so

Stranger: it is 13 hours earlier than American time

Stranger: so it is nearly 8pm

You: it's morning here in us

Stranger: yeah I know

Stranger: BTW, do you go to college now?

You: idk what time is it in NY cause i'm sleeping over in my relative's house in DC

You: wahington

You: *washington

You: no~ i'm taking break for a few days there's some family personal stuff thingy

Stranger: I see

Stranger: I'm a sophomore in college now

Stranger: and right now I am having the winter break for Chinese New Year

You: oh

Stranger: Btw, this 2010 Chinese New Year is in 2.14, the same day with ST. Valentine's Day.

You: really? i didn't notice it, when is it

You: oh? on valentine's day? that's cool

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: but some lovers may not get together for St. Valentine cos they have to go back their parents

You: yeah i just googled "chinese new year 2010 ang thought about that

You: *and

Stranger: ahh..

You: uh, hey sorry

You: i gotta run off

You: bye

Stranger: never mind

Stranger: bye

Stranger: thanks

You: .. excuse me. thx?

Stranger: have a nice day~~`

Stranger: I meant thank for chatting with me.

You: you too-- oh, wait it's already night there right? then, have a nice nifght and day :D

You: ohh yeah you too

Stranger: ~_~

You: xiexie

You: bye
==

Peace.Love.Xiexie

Sehe Bokmanee Bateuseyo!!

Happy New Year Y'all!!

Hauoli Makahiki hou(hawaiian)!
happy new Year(english)!
Felix sit annus novus(italian)!
Sehe Bokmanee Bateuseyo(korean)!
Bonne année(french, klo g slh)!
Eutychismenos o kainourgios chronos!
Kul 'am wa antum bikhair (arabic)!

=

2010!!!
o yeaaahhh(shut up, kenn)
okay. so lets hope that 2010 will be a blessed year for all of us(bener ga? BODO!)

=

and, I just wanna let you guys know, that I felt sorry for those who passed away lately.
thx for what you've done to your families, friends, and the world.

=

aand please let me beg you guys to open

SuJu's Sorry Sorry's Lyrics & translation

and

Super Junior's Sorry Sorry Video clip

btdoubleu, have y'all know that I'm getting more and more Idiotic lately???
YEAHHH!!!!
it's up to you if you wanna call me a love sick fool!!

Teddy!
Kangin!
Saranghae!

--

"the Teddy's Bad."
it's okay, I love him!
"he's in lots of trouble."
Can I help him?(stpd)
"he's a Bad ass kid"
his ass?(very stpd)
".."
I LOVE HIM!!

--

Teddy Oppa.
saranghamnida.
XD

--
Kangin is the cutest, funniest, Teddiest guy I ever seen
though he's a bad guy or whatever they say, I LOVE HIM!!
i LOVE it when he smiles, and his eyes looked like a dark line under his eyebrows
and that supersweetsmile,,, omykangin.


so,
Peace.Love.Lovesickfool

the Defenition of "Aigoo"!! credits, copyright thingy and all those complicated stuff goes to Urban dictionary!

you know for the last few days the word "aigoo" is like fire dancin around my tongue.
i mention it over and over like it's a magic spell. so i think you might wanna know the definition of aigoo
~~~
1.Aigoo
something to say while sighing in korean. kinda like "aw man" also said when one wants to sigh but cant

old lady: aigoo, i have only a few years ahead of me
teenager: aigoo, i have so much homework
darwin: aigoo, i ran out of ramen

2.Aigoo
Korean Word showing frustration and exhaustion. See "Cham nah" or "Seh Sang Eh...(showing awe)

Stupid kid: Wait.. So x + 3 = 5
Korean kids: yeah...
Stupid Kid: SO x = 5!
Korean Kid- what?! Aigoo.. You idiot..

3.Aigoo
Slash: Hey what's your phone number. I checked "Torch" and it was under on my cell phone.
Torch: Uh, did you check under "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Torch?"
Slash: ...Whoops
Torch: Aigoo...